N&G

Osaka, Japan. Sunday, October 9 - 12, 2005.

Two years ago:
When I first went to Osaka a couple of years ago on a 'Visa Run' I strolled the streets close to my hotel looking for a place to get wasted. Walking up and down the side streets there were many places of interest, but because of all of the unknowns and fashion show type places that surrounded me, I craved a place to just chill and get trashed.

It was on one of those side streets that I found the N&G.

The N&G is the kind of place I don’t want people to know about. It is the kind of place someone finds and wants to keep secret. It is the kind of place one feels welcome, and it is the kind of place that contains many 'colors'. It was the faint sound of Bob Marley playing through the door that took me there and in that I figure it was destiny.

I cautiously walked in and found myself inside a museum of tequila. The bar was small with only a few stools and even fewer places to sit. Three of the four walls had shelves filled with bottles of tequila imported from anywhere and everywhere. I had walked into an empty tequila bar playing one of my favorite Bob Marley songs (Johnny was) and said hello to the bar owner. After a quick bow, I sat down on one of the stools and asked for a bottle of Corona and a shot of tequila.

The owner, referred to from now on as Haru spoke English and introduced himself to me. He had travelled the world looking for teqilla and could speak English at a level we could both comfortably converse.

I told Haru about my life in Korea as an English teacher, some of my world views, and taste in alcohol and music. He was genuine in his questions which made me respect him almost right from the start. He was a man in his early forties, married with no children. His wife was a fashion designer and had her own brand of casual wear for men and women which from what I was told by Haru is quite popular in Japan.

Haru was a man who liked to relax, and owning his small bar was his way of doing that. His bar was small, frequented by friends, friends of friends, and random people like myself. He took pride in his collection of over 400 different bottles of tequila and his taste in music was also quite inviting.

We got to talking about what I missed about Canada and the topic of erbz obviously came up. Haru was suprised to hear that erbz were something difficult to get and even more dangerous to have in Korea. While still dangerous to have in Japan, erbz were much easier to get and it was at that point that Haru handed me a small pipe and directed me into a small bathroom to partake in some home grown goodness. After that, a few of his friends showed up and it became clear to me that they were there to nurse a beer and also visit the bathroom. Nevertheless, instead of having each one of them go in and out of the toilet, he simply walked over to the front door, locked it up, and got a session going. It was grand. A few of his friends spoke moderate amounts of broken English and I had fun telling them about the situation concerning erbz in Canada with particular attention and respect handed out to Vancouver. (a city I don't actually like all that much)

After a few rounds he lit a few incents and opened up for regular business again. It was at that point Dr. K and his daughter came in for a beer and a few shots of tequila. Dr. K was, I think trying to hook me up with his daughter, but none of that was on my mind. Haru chatted with us and his friends and Dr. K and his daughter invited me out for some Sake and Karaoke. Ready for more adventure I accepted and went on my way, thanking Haru and his friends for the good time they had shown me. That was my first experience at the N&G.

One year ago:
On my second visit to Osaka for my yearly "Visa run", I was unable to find the N&G again. I searched and searched but just could not remember where it was. I thought it might have just closed down. Nevertheless, I found a live roots reggae sound system performing in a basement bar and had a great time. While there were no erbz involved, the crowd was much larger, and as I was the only foreigner there, my only actions were to order bottle upon bottle of Red Stripe, and nod my head in approval of chewnz I felt worthy of a "Boh!".

This year:
I got back to Osaka on October 9th with an insane headache. I had gotten back to Korea on September 22nd with a prescription for Valium, which I had abused and doctor hopped to get more and more. Mixing it with copious amounts of Gin and tonic, other sleeping agents and on my final binge night with lines of opium, the day before my flight to Osaka was spent mostly in a constantly nodding off routine of sleep, wake up, vomit, and then back to sleep. Getting back to Korea on September 22nd filled me with stress as I still had unanswered questions regarding work, little money, and an insane amount of angst and frustration.

Understandably, my friends, who I had spent so much more time with before leaving korea for my Canadian visit were busy with other things, so most of my days were spent going for walks off my head on valium and gin into clinics trying to get more.

Osaka was what I needed to clear my head and I knew that this time it was my duty and mission in life to once again visit the N&G. I arrived in Osaka on Sunday in the early afternoon. I checked into my hotel, downed a few cans of Asahi courage and pounded the pavement with the N&G's business card in hand. Pacing up and down side streets I was unable to find it. This is when it dawned on me to ask traffic police how to get there. I found an older gentleman who was more than happy to use sign language and a pen to draw me a map showing me two streets and dots representing traffic lights. I followed my scrawl 5 lights down and then 2 lights left and low and behold I was standing in front of the N&G. It was still early and the door was locked. Across the way were two punk rockers listening to anti-flag and so I said to them “sup punks!” One of them spoke English well enough to say “when sun go down, door will open”. I laughed and said thanks and handed them both my mini cd. “What genre?” they asked with excitement. “Crazy” I said with even more excitement and with a sharpie and receipt from 7-11 I drew a map as I headed back to my hotel for a nap. On the way back to my Hotel, hunger overcame me…and as I had no idea what in the hell to eat, I looked for the international symbol of ignorance….the golden arches. The place was filled to the gills with Japanese hotties chomping on mc-recipes they do not offer in Canada. I walked up to the cash where an insanely cute Japanese girl started just jibber jabbering to me in Japanese. I looked at her and laughed and then looked down to the picture menu and pointed at what looked to me like an egg mc-muffin. With one finger I said “one” and then she jibber jabbered away for a good ten more seconds and as a feeling of being totally useless overcame me I just said “okay okay okay”. I made sure to get my order for take out as whenever I encounter McDonalds, its always safe to be near a bathroom you can trust. I paid 500yen (about 5 or 6 dollars) and was on my way. I got back to my hotel room and opened the bag to find not one, but seven fucking burgers waiting for me. “Christ!” I ate a teriyaki burger and one of the egg things and that was it. I was done. Embarassed by how much I had ordered I left my room and dumped the remaining burgers in the trash by the vending machines. I crashed for a few hours and finally woke up at around 10pm where I spent another good 30 minutes sitting on the john scolding myself for the ultimately poor choice of McDonalds cuisine. Nevertheless the toilet in my hotel room is the coolest thing I have ever had the pleasure of sitting on. When you are done your business, you press a button: Blue for boys, and pink for girls. A nozzle comes out from somewhere and bathes your unmentionables with a nice jet of warm water. You can press“stop” at anytime you want, but as a virgin of the TOTO WASHLET I just sat and thanked whoever came up with that brilliant invention. Anytime after a mcdonalds episode, I do a few jumping jacks just to make sure that the mc-mongol hordes have left my system. They had not…and I once again had the pleasure of TOTOing myself.

Finally...It was time to use the map I had made just a few hours prior. After a much less daunting task, I found the place and it was open. I walked in and Haru immediately remembered me. We both smiled and he introduced me to two of his friends who were also there sitting with him. He had a big smile on his face and pulled a big bag of erbz out of his pocket and patted me on the back with it. “Welcome back my friend…it has been long time”. “Hi Haru, How have you been? I hope you are well.” He introduced me to his friends and we sat and drank a couple of corona’s, some tequila, he sauntered over to the front door and locked it. I handed them all my mini cd, chiamattt.com stickers, and we smoked for a while and he kept the door locked. One of his friends was playing the guitar while his other friend played a strange kind of harmonica that looked like a keyboard with a pipe you blew into with your mouth. Needless to say after the beer, tequila and hittin the pipe hard, I rooked out. Sensory overdrive and a clear case of PMSS.

Post mcdonalds stress syndrome causes an insane urge to use a bathroom. I told Haru and his friends my mcdonalds story and they laughed for a long time, knowing exactly what I meant as they had also been to other countries and encountered similar experiences. Haru motioned me to the bathroom in the corner and while it wasn’t a TOTO, it let me just sit in a nice place, relieve myself and let my blood pressure descend. I sat there for about thirty minutes and let the rooking pass. Haru’s friends played the ‘girl from ipanema’ and it was at that point I knew I was alright to go back out into bar. Hitting the pipe again, Haru pulled out a bottle of “Stetson” cologne and sprayed the place down. He apologized to me and I said with a smile that I understood and took the bottle and sprayed some on my fingers. He laughed and it was at that point he pulled out a bottle of a very very special kind of tequila. He had put some erbz in a bottle with tequila and had let it sit for ten months. He asked me if I wanted some, but I insisted that he not touch it for ten years. I made up a story about how he could sell it on Ebay in twenty years and retire. We all laughed. I hung out for a couple more hours, and as it was getting late and I didn’t want to over stay my visit I paid my bill and made plans to have dinner with Haru the next day.

Osaka has always been really good to me…and last night was no exception. With the N&G rediscovered, I hung out with Haru at his bar on the 9th, 10th, and 11th, and we have become quite good friends. With email exchanged, a map in hand, and a desire to visit more often...I hope to see Haru again some time in the near future.