Paxil

I woke up bright eyed today but my cough was still there. The mixture of Canadian Nyquil, Korean over the counter cold medicines and Sleeping pills I had picked up at the Airport in Singapore hadn’t quelled the demon inside my throat and nose. The cold has not died.

I won’t say life has been hard these past few months. I have been trying to wean myself off of Paxil and so far it has been interesting to say the least.

I decided to make an initial jump down from thirty to fifteen milligrams because I was running low on Paxil. There were some complications in Canada and my new shipment wouldn’t arrive for a couple of weeks. Paxil is fucking expensive even by Canadian prescription drug standards. Depending on the size of the pill, they can go from anywhere between 2 and 5 dollars a pill. I had done some reading on the net regarding the weaning process and learned that by taking a B complex Vitamin and a Lecithin supplement, the route towards not taking Paxil would be less harsh. This seems to be the case and I am quite happy I found that out.

30-15mg
The first two days at 15mg was cake and so I let my guard down. By the third day my vision had trouble keeping up with my head movements, my speech was slurred, I had terrible head aches, and my stool was liquid. To top that off I was constantly confused and feeling stressed out and once and a while I would get an electrical shock in my mouth. At times the electrical shocks were quick and just startled me, but by the end of the week I would go an hour with a constant zap zap zap zap in my mouth, neck, and throat. At first they scared the shit out of me, but upon further reading, I found out that they were quite common and nothing to worry about.

I decided to stay on the 15mg dose until I got back from my trip to Tokyo. I was meeting an old friend who was going to be there at the same time, and so I didn’t want anything to hamper the situation. I had a great time, and only a few zaps occurred. My stool had returned to normal, I was less confused and my eye sight had returned to normal. Nevertheless, the headaches were still there and still are as I write this.

15-10mg
When I got back from Japan the plan to move from fifteen to ten milligrams of Paxil went into effect. Unlike the previous drop, the five milligram drop was much less a hassle. The headaches and zaps remained, but for the most part, everything else was normal, though I did feel a bit more anxious at times. I wanted to make another drop but chose to wait until I got back from a business trip in Australia. It is a good thing I did. My trip to Australia was really stressful and so I think it was wise of me to stay at ten milligrams. I had a good time in Adelaide as I was able to spend more quality time with my office crush who was also present on the business trip. Damn she is so beautiful.

10-5mg
When I got back from Adelaide, it was time to drop from ten to five milligrams. I started taking my five milligram pills later in the day so that I would have more Paxil while I was teaching the kids. I found out almost immediately that my temper would flare, my emotions would spike, and that the headaches and zaps were ferocious.

My mood swings were most evident at the office. I would go from smiling and making jokes to just sitting in my chair and staring off into the wall for sometimes more than ten minutes. I wept in the bathroom a few times a day and just felt like a complete mental basket case. It was by far the worst jump so far, and as I am writing this it is where I stand. I have been on five milligrams now for two weeks and I have decided it would be best if I stayed on it for two more weeks. My brain needs time to adjust to the lower dose and so time I will give it.

This phase has made me really anxious regarding the rest of the drops. When I first began the drops I notified my mom and managers at work. I wanted them to know what to expect from me with regards to my mood swings, sullen face, and slow often slurred conversation. My mom and managers have been very supportive. There have been a few times in the office where my coworkers have gone to my boss and asked if I was mad at them. There have been a few times I have blown up in class and made kids stand up with their hands up holding a book for too long. There have been times where I lie in bed and just stare at the ceiling for hours and get back out of bed and go to work without having slept a wink.

I decided to get off Paxil because I don’t think I need it anymore. I really don’t. My life in Korea is good. I have good friends here, two stable jobs, and a nice apartment. Paxil has caused me to gain weight, and gaining weight is perhaps one of the reasons I chose to get on Paxil. My weight depresses me, and no matter how much I walk or how much I watch my diet, the weight just keeps on coming. Enough is enough I say. I guess a second less important side effect of being on Paxil is "sexual dysfunction"... and while this has had an effect on my 'self love’ life, it bears no impact on my non existent sex life.

Coming off Paxil I have noticed that things are different. I feel so much less inclined to just get up and go out for a walk. I feel so much more lazy, melancholy and lethargic. This isn’t to say that I am Depressed, unmoving, and dormant. I still get out once and a while, work my 60+ hours a week, and complete the week and month long routine. I have just noticed a film of contempt forming on the periphery that if not checked, will become what it was in high school and early university. I don’t think it will come to that though. I hope not at least.

To make a long story short, I was shocked at how hard it was going to be to get off Paxil. My shrink in Canada told me I could get off of it whenever I wanted and didn’t mention the weight gain. He did mention sexual dysfunction, though even then I didn’t care about that. Through my reading I have discovered that Paxil is evil, and that the drug company that makes it (Glaxo) has set aside a large chunk of cash in preparation of some up coming legal actions. Apparently some Paxil users who chose to just stop taking their pills have committed suicide. The withdrawal symptoms from getting off Paxil are far worse than the symptoms you get when starting.

I just want to say that if any of you are thinking about taking anti depressants, please do your reading. Clinical testing will tell you what will happen when you start using a drug, but very rarely tells you what will happen when you decide to get off the drug. I will not say that Paxil didn’t help me. It has. It helped me a lot. But this isn’t to say that I (or anyone else) deserve to go through the withdrawal symptoms associated with getting off of it.